I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
