shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I am full of burrito and curiosity
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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