Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
