At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
