Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
No subtext here. People are naked.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
