i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
