I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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