I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
