Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
