The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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