$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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