I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
