I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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