my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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