Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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