can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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