i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
two words: eviction party
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
