Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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