Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
where are my eyebrows?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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