I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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