I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just want to make out with him forever
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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