You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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