You're my little dorito
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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