I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
