while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
