I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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