I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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