yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize