My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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