I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
P.S. I can't hear my feet
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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