walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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