Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
