I'm so fucking centered right now
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
