So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize