my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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