Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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