its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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