That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
