idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
