I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize