I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
