Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
