Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
4 words: hood of his car
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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