Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
