That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
