I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
