How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
