My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
