I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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