You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
