i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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