his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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