So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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