anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
you made out with another girl for some wings
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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