She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
