If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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